


Before Love Ends

by grandsequel (Yunho)



Category: Dong Bang Shin Ki, JYJ - Fandom, K-pop, SHINee, Super Junior
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-06-22
Updated: 2012-06-22
Packaged: 2017-11-08 07:08:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,514
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/440508
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Yunho/pseuds/grandsequel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After the SMTown concert, three SM leaders go out for drinks. Relationship advice wasn't what Jinki had in mind when he agreed though. And rubbing salt on unhealed wounds wasn't what Leeteuk nor Yunho had wanted either.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Before Love Ends

The bar was dark and musty from the dozens of smoking patrons inside. It was late, nearing midnight and as the night wore on, people continued to come in and go out, bringing with them troubles of the day and leaving with more troubles for the night.  
  
In one of the corner booths sat Leeteuk, Yunho and Jinki, the three nursing tall glasses of alcohol though each with varying amounts left. A pitcher remained in the center of the wooden table, nearly half empty by then.  
  
Leeteuk watched as across from him, Yunho took a sip from his glass before setting it back down, crossing his arms over the table. Jinki sat silently beside him, head turned to the side as he gazed at the others inside the bar milling about.  
  
They’d decided to go out for drinks after the first of the 2010 SMTown Concerts. Yunho had pitched the idea to Leeteuk and Jinki, claiming it would be a good chance for some fellow-leader bonding. Though Jinki had grinned amiably and readily agreed, Leeteuk had smiled back in acquiescence while secretly thinking, ‘ _Two and half leaders._ ’ He had no right to judge Yunho for his split group; he himself was missing three of his members.  
  
They’d been in the small, homely bar for the better part of an hour, sharing stories of their recent concerts or performances, endorsements, variety shows. They were resolute in keeping the atmosphere light, despite sitting in a place for social and personal reflection, and despite the cloud of gloom that threatened to shower over them.  
  
Jinki finally broke the lull in conversation. “How’s Kangin-hyung, doing?” he asked, gazing across the table at Leeteuk.  
  
Leeteuk’s face grew warm, but with his usual infectious grin, he answered, “Good, good. He’s sent a couple pictures back to us.”  
  
“Oh yeah?”  
  
Leeteuk nodded. “He looks tired and a little worn, but what can you expect, hn?” Beside Jinki, Yunho chuckled, downing the rest of his drink with his head tipped back.  
  
“And you, Yunho-yah?” Leeteuk folded his fingers over the table, shifting to cross his legs beneath the table as he caught Yunho’s eyes. “How’re your three little traitors?”  
  
There was no malice or heat in his words and all three of them knew it, laughing together. “They’re good, really good. Going through some troubles with contracts and the like, but I doubt any of that will go away until they’ve cleared the contract with the company first.”  
  
Jinki felt almost awkward as he listened to his hyungs continue to discuss Jaejoong, Yoochun, Junsu, and even Hangeng’s contract troubles. On the one hand he felt grateful that his group was still together and happy—more than happy, even—but on the other hand, he couldn’t help but intimately feel the age gap between himself and Leeteuk and Yunho. They’d already gone through so much,  _years_  of troubles and heartbreak and near death experiences and shitty album sales and hatred from anti-fans. But Jinki had only just passed his second year since debut, was still struggling with feeling  _accepted_  by people despite all the raving reviews he received.  
  
“…members?”  
  
Jinki startled, realizing Leeteuk’s question had been posed at him. He smiled apologetically, asking for the older man to repeat the question, which he did with a knowing smile.  
  
“I asked, ‘How are you other members?’”   
  
Jinki ran his hand through his hair, pulling some stray tangles out before answering, “They’re good. We’re all just trying to get used to being back on stage and promoting again, but things are good right now.”  
  
“How’re Taemin and Minho holding up? School going okay?” Yunho looked concerned for Jinki’s group members, and that look of worry—mirrored on Leeteuk’s face as well—warmed something in Jinki’s heart. Knowing his sunbaes worried about him and his group was comforting.  
  
“It’s hard—especially on them, since Taemin has to deal with school work and Minho’s still dealing with his knee injury. But they’re pulling through too,” he added.  
  
After that they lapsed into another silence. It wasn’t awkward or uncomfortable, it was just some quiet time for each to think on their own problems.   
  
“Jinki-yah,” Yunho finally said after a moment, “there was another reason I wanted to meet with you.” Surprise marred Jinki’s face, but when he turned a questioning look at Leeteuk, the older boy looked as though he’d expected this moment to come.  
  
“Wha—?”  
  
“We know about you…and Key,” Leeteuk eventually said. He didn’t sound accusatory—or disgusted, much to Jinki’s relief. But even then, Jinki felt his face flush with something akin to shame. He felt like he’d just been caught by his parents making out in his bedroom with someone.  
  
“Uhm—it’s not…there’s isn’t any—” he stammered a reply but stopped when Yunho dropped a comforting hand on his shoulder.  
  
“Look we’re not trying to put you on the spot or anything, okay? It’s just…” Yunho trailed off, as though unsure how to continue. Luckily, Leeteuk picked up where he left off, voice light and still gentle despite the weight of his words.  
  
“We know how it’s going to get, Jinki. We’ve  _been_  there. If feels good right now, having him as a friend and having him as something more when you need him but—”  
  
“—it doesn’t last,” Yunho broke in. “Things change. People learn to want different things and you’ll be left behind.”  
  
Jinki’s mind was reeling, unable to understand what his hyungs were implying.  _People learn to want different things_. What did that mean? What was Yunho trying to say? That Kibum would eventually leave him? Leave SHINee and leave  _him_?  
  
“Key isn’t like that,” he insisted. “He doesn’t—It’s not like he—”  
  
“Not yet,” Leeteuk interrupted. “Not yet he doesn’t want it. But what happens in a few years when you all realize the way the company treats you  _isn’t_  as good as they should? What happens when Jonghyun-ah decides he wants to go solo and Kibum-ah decides to follow his best friend?”  
  
“What happens when Taemin decides he wants to dance professionally, or doesn’t want the pressure of singing? What if Minho decides to go back on his dream of being a football player?” Yunho’s words stung, pierced Jinki’s heart until he felt something choking him, leaving him almost gasping for breath. He took another swallow of his drink but it tasted like nothing but anxiety and desperation as it burned going down his throat.  
  
“It’s not that we’re trying to scare you, Jinki,” Leeteuk whispered, voice soft but still able to be heard over the noise of the bar. “Yunho’s already gone through it with Jaejoong-ah. They had what you and Key have, and now look at them, look what they’ve come to.”  
  
Jinki turned to his side to look at his hyung. Yunho’s eyes were bright with something Jinki couldn’t put a name to. A look like pity—or closer to empathy—saturated his gaze and before he knew what was happening, Jinki found himself in Yunho’s embrace, warm, comforting arms wrapping around his back as Jinki buried his head into Yunho’s shoulder. He didn’t cry, was grateful for that, but his shoulders shook with unrestrained emotion, thinking about the kind of heartache Leeteuk and Yunho were trying to prepare him for.  
  
He didn’t want to think about it, didn’t want to contemplate a time when he would no longer be part of a group of five, would no longer wake up in the morning with Kibum’s face snuggled beneath his chin. He didn’t want to think about never hearing Minho’s deep voice laughing at some silly thing Taemin told him over lunch or fighting Jonghyun for the remote because the younger boy insisted his drama was more important than Jinki’s news broadcast. It hurt to think about those things because the other four had become his family, in more ways than one and thinking about the day they were no longer together was like thinking about his parents dying—and it felt just as painful.  
  
“He won’t leave me,” Jinki finally whispered, pulling away. He kept his head down, finger playing with the edge of his glass his rubbed it around the rim. “Kibum won’t leave me…I know he won’t.”  
  
\--  
  
It was late when Leeteuk returned back to his dorm. He stumbled inside and nearly collided with the wall more than once as he tried to tug his shoes off. The hall was dark and he didn’t want to turn any lights on lest he wake any of his younger members.  
  
He needn’t have worried so much though, because just as he’d toed off his second shoe, the hall light suddenly came on, illuminating the walls and floor in bright light that stung his eyes. He winced and cursed under his breath for a second as he tripped over his shoe trying to walk away from the door.  
  
“You’re back late,” came a voice and Leeteuk didn’t have to look up to know it was Heechul. “Where were you?”  
  
“Just out,” he mumbled, trying to walk past the other. Heechul apparently wanted answers beyond ‘just out’ because he grabbed Leeteuk’s wrist and spun the older boy to face him. Their eyes caught in a heated look before Heechul’s gaze suddenly averted to the side. “You’re always going out these days,” he muttered, voice scratchy. “What’s going on? Are you going crazy again like last year? What’s with all the gloom lately?”  
  
Leeteuk pulled his hand from Heechul’s grasp and went to lean against the wall for a moment, before sliding down and hugging his knees to his chest. “I’m fine,” he tried to say but Heechul simply scoffed, joining him on the floor.  
  
“Right, you’re fine. And I’m actually a princess sent to grant your every wish.” Leeteuk grinned for a second, hiding it behind his hands. “Seriously, hyung…what’s going on?”  
  
The older boy sighed, biting his lip. He didn’t want to answer his bandmate, didn’t want to put words to everything he was feeling because he knew voicing all his fears and anxiety would make them real.  
  
With another sigh, Leeteuk finally admitted, “I just—I just don’t know anymore. I feel so alone, like there’s nothing left, like  _we_ ,” he didn’t have to elaborate on who ‘we’ referred to, “having nothing left to do. Is that selfish? Am I selfish for feeling so directionless?”  
  
Heechul was silent and Leeteuk worried the other had fallen asleep on him. “It’s not selfish, hyung,” Heechul finally spoke. “I feel it too.”  
  
They shared a silence that wasn’t uncomfortable but contemplative and Leeteuk was almost ready to stand and head to bed when Heechul spoke again. “I’ve felt it since Hangeng left us. I know it’s how you feel with Kangin gone too…is that—” He broke off suddenly, as though afraid to voice his question. Leeteuk nudged his shoulder, prompting him to go on and he did. “Is that why you want to enlist next year? Because of Kangin?”  
  
Leeteuk would be a liar if he said he was surprised by the question. He wasn’t—how could he be when Heechul had  _always_  been a bit too perceptive for his own good?  
  
“It’s not the only reason,” the leader muttered, “It’s not even the  _main_  reason—”  
  
“But it is a reason, isn’t it?” Heechul’s words were heavy between them and Leeteuk tried to ignore the taste they left in his mouth as he sucked in a breath.  
  
“I—I loved him,” he finally said. “I still do.”  
  
“You don’t think the others do too? Hell, he was like a father to Ryeowook and Donghae in the beginning, you don’t seriously—”  
  
“I love him the way  _you_  love  _Hangeng_ ,” Leeteuk interjected, voice hard and almost frustrated. Heechul was speechless for a moment before understanding cleared his features. He pulled Leeteuk into an embrace, tucking the older boy’s chin into his neck as he breathed into his ear, “I know…I know you do.”  
  
\--  
  
The part Yunho hated about nights was that he spent them alone. Not just alone, but lonely too.   
  
It wasn’t like he  _needed_  someone in the room with him, but after years spent sharing bedrooms and bathrooms and living spaces with 4 other people, it was strange to suddenly find himself alone.   
  
Changmin was in the room across from his, both of them crashing in a hotel for the night rather than embarking on the hours-long trek back to their homes. Besides, they’d never turn down anything the company was willing to pay for, all things considered.  
  
He didn’t bother to turn on any lights as he stumbled inside. He dropped his jacket on the ground, not caring that it would be a wrinkled mess by morning. He made his way to the bed standing alone in the room, slipping off his shirt and pants as he went along until he was left in nothing but his underwear and tank top. He sat on the edge of the bed and switched the light on, contemplating what to do next. It would be smart to sleep now, but despite the haze that had fallen over his eyes, sleep didn’t seem appropriate just yet.  
  
He felt like there was something he should do first and as his eyes caught sight of the phone sitting unassumingly on the bedside table, he realized what it was.  
  
The number was programmed into his cell phone but it was stuck in his pants’ pocket, his pants much too far away at the moment to retrieve. It didn’t matter though; the number was also programmed into his memory.  
  
He picked the phone up from its cradle and stared at the blinking buttons for a moment before his fingers pressed the right keys. Holding the receiver up to his ear, he waited with bated breath, listening to the dial tone. After 4 rings, Yunho was ready to hang up when suddenly—  
  
“Hello?” came a sleepy answer. Yunho released the breath he hadn’t even been aware he was holding, chuckling into the phone as he cradled it between his shoulder and ear, fingers running nervously through his hair.  
  
“Hey Jae,” he whispered, voice husky and masking the furious beating of his heart—so loud he feared the other could hear it across the line. “It’s me—Yunho.”  
  
“I got that much,” Jaejoong replied, giving a loose laugh. “What’s up?”  
  
“Nothing…just wanted to hear your voice.” Hesitation followed his statement, and for a second, Yunho worried he’d said something wrong—which was ridiculous considering this was his best friend he was talking to. “Sorry,” he quickly said, “it must be late, I’ll call you ba—”  
  
“I miss you too,” Jaejoong breathed suddenly, interrupting the other man. “Yunho-yah, I miss you so much, you don’t even—God, you probably don’t even know.” His words were followed by a strangled sound, and damn if Yunho didn’t immediately feel a prickling behind his eyes. He was reminded once again that as strong and secure as Jaejoong tried to appear—what with the lawsuits and the contract troubles and the hate from so many sides of the world—Jaejoong was still his friend first and foremost. He still had his vulnerable, insecure moments and for a second, Yunho felt ashamed that he’d provoked one of them tonight.  
  
“I’m sorry,” he said into the phone, switching the phone to his other ear and laying his head down on the pillow. He stared at the shadows the lamp cast against the wall, thinking how his own life felt like one great shadow—a mere shade of his previous life spent on the road with his four best friends. “I’m sorry,” he repeated.  
  
\--  
  
Jinki should have known Kibum would still be up waiting for him when he hobbled his way into their room. He stubbed his foot against the wall trying to find the light switch because no matter how much he cared about his bandmates, he cared about his own wellbeing too and him trying to move around in the dark was just asking for broken bones.  
  
They’d switched rooms again, him with Kibum and Taemin and he didn’t hesitate to admit that he liked the new arrangement. He’d have preferred to have the other double room for just himself and Kibum but so long as they were together, Jinki wasn’t going to be picky.  
  
He fumbled with the door handle for a second before it was suddenly opened, startling a squeak from him in surprise. He nearly stumbled backward as Kibum appeared in the open doorway. Jinki made to go inside their room but before he could, Kibum pushed him back, coming out into the hallway himself and shutting the door softly behind him, not wanting to wake up Taemin who was sleeping peacefully inside.  
  
“I’m not even going to ask where you’ve been,” he started, “but next time, I’d appreciate a phone call letting us know that you’re going out with the hyungs.” His eyes were glaring at Jinki and the older boy knew Kibum wasn’t angry because he’d gone out without telling him but because he’d gone out  _without_  him. Kibum’s brand of possessiveness was just as unique as the boy himself. He denied it until his face tinged blue but there was no mistaking his bouts of protectiveness—needing to know where Jinki was, what he was doing, who he was with. It wasn’t so strong that it was clingy—it was caring enough that it was just sweet.  
  
Seeing Kibum’s eyes flash with  _that look_  that he got when Jinki was too friendly with his hyungs or the noonas, and knowing Kibum’s was silently fuming— _had_  been silently fuming since they’d ended the SMTown Concert, Jinki knew he should have felt shame or remorse or at the very least a bit guilty for putting that hurt look in Kibum’s eyes. But all he could think about were Yunho and Leeteuk’s words, warning him that someday Kibum would leave him, would no longer need him like the way he needed him now, that he would no longer  _look_  at Jinki the way he was looking at him in that moment.  
  
Something in Jinki’s chest clenched at the thought, and before either knew what was happening, he pushed Kibum up against the wall beside their bedroom door and let his mouth meet the younger boy’s in a deep, languid kiss that pulled small, quiet, muffled moans from both of them. Jinki let his arms frame Kibum’s head, resting his forearms on the wall as he leaned further into the kiss, pressing his lips harder and harder against the other’s.   
  
One hand trailed down to cup Kibum’s face and somewhere along the way Kibum raised his arms around Jinki’s neck and struggled to hold on as he was kissed senseless. Their tongues met and touched, warm and wet and just a bit sloppy in each other’s mouths but it still felt so perfect, so  _right_. Jinki didn’t want it to ever end, not with Kibum’s hands tangling into his hair or with Kibum’s leg hiking its way around Jinki’s waist or Kibum’s head angling to deepen the kiss and accept more of Jinki’s assault and Kibum—Kibum was just _everywhere_ , every place and every moment with Jinki, in his mouth, in his heart, in his mind until all he could think was—  
  
“Kibum,” he gasped, pulling away, latching onto the smaller boy’s throat. He inhaled, surrounding his senses with the scent of the expensive body wash his lover insisted on buying.   
  
Kibum was panting in Jinki’s ear, breath hot, almost scorching as he whispered against his skin, “Are you drunk, Jinki-ah? Did you really have to go out and get drunk?”  
  
There was no accusatory tone in his voice, just pure curiosity. Regardless, Jinki didn’t have an answer, simply pulling Kibum into another kiss, knowing the other could taste the alcohol in his mouth but not really caring.  
  
When he pulled away again, he stared at Kibum, breathless and gasping for air as he returned the look. “I love you,” he said, voice low and husky, “I love you so much.” He buried his face into Kibum’s neck, taking in deep, shuddering breaths that nearly wracked his frame. “Promise you won’t leave me,” he pleaded so softly against Kibum’s skin he wasn’t sure Kibum could even hear him. “Please don’t leave me.”  
  
Kibum’s arms fell from Jinki’s hair to wrap around his middle. He stroked Jinki’s back soothingly, a small smile tugging at his lips as he answered, “You should stop drinking so late at night, hyung.”  
  
Jinki didn’t reply, heart hammering as he repeated the words again and again in his mind. “Key—”  
  
“I love you,” Kibum interrupted, voice strong. “I love you so much…why would I ever leave you?”  
  
Jinki released the breath he’d been holding, feeling all the weight from his shoulders suddenly fall away with Kibum’s admission. The tightness in his chest uncoiled and he smiled into Kibum’s hair, placing small, chaste kisses against his hairline down to his jaw. “Okay,” he said finally, licking Kibum’s lips playfully. “Okay.”


End file.
